Archive for the ‘not ninja-worthy’ Category

My Ninja, Please! 4.10.12: Orioles Lose to… Who?

Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter termed the event a "controlled scrimmage." The opponent used pitchers (including left-hander Tsuyoshi Wada) and a catcher from the Orioles roster. Major league stars such as J.J. Hardy, Adam Jones and Matt Wieters took only a couple of turns apiece at the plate and played about five innings. And the adversaries played for eight innings total, not a full regulation game.

With that context — perhaps you call it "spin" — understood, there’s no other way to put this: A community college team beat the Baltimore Orioles on Tuesday. (read the rest here)

What even is there to say here except… MY NINJA, PLEASE!

My Ninja, Please! 2.22.2012: Racist Against Asians

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Just when you started to feel safe in Obama’s post-racial America.  Just when you started to feel the settling of the new normal: tolerance, if not acceptance.  Just when you almost forgot that a whole buncha people in this country are…

Let me start by saying that I don’t usually cuss on this page, but what the fuck?!  The photo above depicts a headline that ACTUALLY appeared on ESPN.com.  I would like to know who thought that shit was funny.  I totally understand that it’s POSSIBLE that this was just a mistake, but it’s not probable.  How come every time a minority does something in this country, somebody has to call him out of his name and berate him based solely on his heritage.  The shit is bullshit.

ATTN: Mainstream media, STOP RACIALIZING EVERYTHING.  Leave that to us, please. Thanks.

So as to avoid having pun at anyone else’s expense, I’ll say, My Negro, Please!!

Incubators are a Ghetto

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My Ninja, Please! 11.30.11: Satanic Sex Rituals

Now… Do these really look like the faces of…

Two Satanic ladies with a blood fetish??

Two Milwaukee women are under arrest today for the ritualistic stabbing of a teenager during what started as consensual sex but rapidly got out of hand.

The two women, Rebecca Chandler and Raven "Scarlett" Larrabee are alleged to have stabbed a teenage male over 300 times during the course of their sexual encounter. The encounter began consensually when Chandler took the unidentified back to her apartment. Shortly after engaging in intercourse, "Raven," identified as a practitioner of satanic ritual and a student of the occult, joined in with the couple.

The male told police that he was tied up with duct tape and cut many times over the course of two days. [Link]

‘For the Children : Thanksgiving Edition

This Thanksgiving, be thankful that your parents cared for your upbringing. Happy Thanksgiving from MNP!

The Myth of Web 3.0

It seems like talk of web 3.0 has been going on for millennia…

My Ninja, Please! 9.28.11: Schweddy Balls Ice Cream

To celebrate the talented writers, crew and actors behind arguably television’s funniest television program, today, Ben & Jerry’s launched its newest limited-batch flavor, Schweddy Balls. The flavor is an ode to the classic "Saturday Night Live" sketch [viewable at www.benjerry.com] starring Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon, as hosts of the "Delicious Dish," a National Public Radio program parody, along with Alec Baldwin as Pete Schweddy, the fictional owner of Season’s Eatings Bakery.

The legendary actor, comedian, and perennial favorite SNL host appreciates keeping the laughs going. "For a long time, I thought that ‘Here Lies Pete Schweddy’ would end up on my tombstone," said Baldwin. "Now, thanks to Ben & Jerry’s, the goodness of the Schweddy family recipe won’t go with me to the great beyond." The flavor, available nationwide, features Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and is loaded with fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls. The combination is a melding whose time has come, deadpanned Baldwin, "It is immortalized here, right now, and it’s an ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s and Schweddy. Two great names in American dessert, together at last." #read the source

Yes, my ninjas, I know it’s from Ben & Jerry’s.  Yes, ninja, I know they make their ice cream with fair trade vanilla.  Yes, my ninjas, I know it’s probably delicious.  Yes, ninja, I am aware that it comes from an old Alec Baldwin SNL shtick… but my ninjas, please, this is just NOT an ice cream a ninja would buy.

(above are actual video images captured on international pirate-ninja truce day)

Netflix… You almost got MNP’d

In a move that can only be described as "semi," the CEO of Netflix (which I can only assume actually means the PR team + the CEO of Netflix) has decided to send out the equivalent of a correction e-mail to all of its customers.  You might have noticed this spam in your inbox this morning as you returned to work and the email barrage that usually coincides with such.

The problem with this e-mail is that it makes no corrections, but in effect apologizes for an e-mail about a month ago where Netflix explained that it was upping its prices.  To make matters worse in the confusion department, Netflix also decided to use this negative PR moment to announce that they are splitting their services (in a totally convoluted way).

This isn’t the first time they’ve blown it, either. Or the second time…

Here’s a tip, Netflix, or Qwikster or whatever the hell it is you call yourself: if you’re gonna apologize, then really apologize…  like give us a free extra month of DVD service, or one free rental… or SOMEThing.  If not, then please SHUT THE HELL UP and stay outta my inbox.  There’s nothing worse than reading an entire e-mail from Netflix and not getting anything free out of it.  I, too, was disappointed with the disassociation of DVD and streaming services - but I didn’t have a poor view of your company from an operational standpoint until you guys started getting out of control with these e-mails.  You know what’s arrogant, Netflix?  Thinking that you can disguise a marketing announcement as an apology, because you forgot to say it all last time, and not really apologizing at all - that’s arrogant. My ninja… I guess they’re lucky this week, because we have an even more ridiculous MNP coming up.

My Ninja, Please! 9.8.11: Broadway Mark Sanchez

When Brady did it, we thought it was fi-fi, however the guy at least had won something. He, at least, had earned an ‘I can do that sh@%"-card.

What, you ask, the f am I talking about? Taking your clothes off and putting on your nakey suit for GQ, my friends.

In the words of the newly crowned Aaron Rodgers, this is just embarrassing.

This is actually a pretty decent picture.  Kinda captures the moment… Nonetheless, My Ninja, Please!

.::September issue of GQ