All posts by Jill The Shill

Jill is a cyber entity. No one is sure if she really exists at all, but isn't there a little sophist in all of us?

Bitterness: The Psychic Translation

It is entirely fair in the political process to use a candidate’s poor wording against them. Obama is a big boy, in the big game and has to endure what every other politician in history has had to: putting his foot in his mouth. But, not necessarily defending Obama’s remarks, there is a lot of hypocrisy stemming from long term “elitists” like the Clintons even using the “E” word. It’s laughable and there is a certain “elitist” quality in assuming you can reinvent yourself and your convictions weekly, applying selective outrage to fit your clothing, and get away with it.

Also, some in journalistic circles are running amok with accusations of elitism, while assuming that “since they grew up in a small town”, they know best what rural America feels (isn’t that the same fatal “elitist” error Obama made?). I grew up in a small town too, but I dare say one can’t categorize everyone as happy and content anymore than they can classify them as “bitter”. Plus, such bitterness is not confined to the rural towns even though they feel the effects of economic downturns most acutely. No matter where you reside, if you lose your job, your home and your pension and still insist there is no bitterness about it, you’re on the GOOD meds. Some in the media and politics obviously are not affected by many of the tragedies that make people bitter, rural and urban. So who is REALLY out of touch?

With politicians misspeaking almost daily now, there obviously is a need for translations of what they say versus what they mean. Translating vague, obtuse statements into regional vernaculars that can be easily understood by people in “small, rural areas” as well as urban regions is a service that is long overdue. But, as we’ve seen, “words” are tough for narrowing down meaning. Therefore, a “psychic translation” might provide more understanding of what a person is actually thinking.  A translation of Hillary Clinton’s most recent ad goes as follows:
One woman in the ad says: “I was very insulted by Barack Obama”.
TRANSLATION: “I even take mouthwash commercials personally.”
Another woman,says: “I’m not clinging to my faith out of frustration and bitterness. I find that my faith is very uplifting.”
TRANSLATION: “The fact that I use the word ‘cling’ rather than ‘practice’ shows a certain amount of insecurity and a fear of abandonment.”
Another male voter follows: “The good people of Pennsylvania deserve a lot better than what Barack Obama said.”
TRANSLATION: “We deserved better than “Mission Accomplished, too, but we got over that.”
Another woman says: “Hillary does understand the citizens of Pennsylvania better.”
TRANSLATION: ‘That regional gadfly has to have picked up something after moving from Arkansas to Washington D.C. then New York.”
Another woman says: “Hillary Clinton has been fighting for people like us her whole life”.
TRANSLATION: “If you had $108 million, Hillary would fight for you too.”
But Hillary cuts to the chase: “I don’t think he really gets it that people are looking for a president who stands up for you and not looks down on you.”

TRANSLATION: “Hey, I can see the White House from up here.”

A translation of Obama is even more insightful:
“It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them, or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment, as a way to explain their frustrations.”
TRANSLATION: “People have different coping mechanisms when faced with adverse situations and stress. Mine is called Harpy Baiting.”
“I have tried to figure out how to show restraint and make sure that, during this primary contest, we’re not damaging each other so badly that it’s hard for us to run in November.“
TRANSLATION: “My legs…I can’t feel my legs!”
“Obviously, it’s a little easier for me to say that, since, you know, I lead in delegates and states and popular vote. Senator Clinton may not feel that she can afford to be so constrained”.
“I may have made a mistake last week in the words that I chose, but the other party has made a much more damaging mistake in the failed policies they’ve chosen and the bankrupt philosophy that they’ve embraced for the last three decades.”
TRANSLATION: “The GOP has Bushwacked ya’ll!”

And last but not least…uh…OK, last AND least, Senator McCain:
“I think it’s pretty important. And the fact that he continues to say that he does not apologize for those remarks, I think indicates a certain out-of-touch elitism.”
TRANSLATION: “As my record shows, I never apologize, but I’ll change positions faster than a Dutch prostitute.”
“I think anybody who disparages anyone who is hardworking, the dedicated people who cherish the right to hunt and observe their values and the culture … and say that’s because they are unhappy with their economic conditions, I think that’s a fundamental contradiction to what I think America is.”
TRANSLATION: “Zzzzzzzzzzz….huh…what…oh, yeah, Iran is stirring up trouble in Basra with the Sunni, I mean…the Shia….whoever the hell lives there! What?  Quit elbowing me, Liebermann…Um…GOOOOOOOOOAAAL!”
 ”These are people who produced the generation that made the world safe for democracy. I think his remarks may be defining.”
TRANSLATION: “ Zzzzzzzzzz…….Hey, ain’t all the people who produced the people who fought WWII DEAD by now?”
“We have an unemployment insurance program straight out of the 1950s. It was designed to assist workers through a few tough months during an economic downturn until their old jobs came back. That program has no relevance to the world we live in today,”
TRANSLATION: ‘I AM awake, goddammit! Plus, I’m straight out of the 30’s, so what does that say about MY relevance?”

OK, the device obviously needs more work. Right now, it’s only picking up what I’m thinking….

[Op-Ed by Jill The Shill]

Blazing Saddles Redux


Geraldine Ferraro, half of the 1984 Democratic ticket that lost in a landslide to Ronald Reagan, is offering her political wisdom to the Democratic party. Her revelation: Obama is only winning because he’s black. Whoa! I never saw that one coming. Let’s stand back and take a snapshot of this event, because it’s got to be the first time in history that being black with a Muslim name was ever an advantage in politics outside of a majority black district. I imagine Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are kicking themselves for not playing up race more in their token runs at the White House.

Furthermore, she claims Obama is dividing the party.  How dare Barack inject negativity, savage attacks and race into a presidential race by actually winning. But, in all fairness, the right thing to do is let Ferraro clarify her position, in case she was misquoted. In an interview with ABC’s Good Morning America, Ferraro said, “My comments have been taken so out of context and have been spun by the Obama campaign as racist that it’s doing precisely what they don’t want done — it’s going to the Democratic Party and dividing us even more.” Geraldine, you’re just the gift that keeps on giving!

How can assigning someone’s success to their race possibly be taken out of context? Maybe telling a California newspaper that, “if Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position.” OK, maybe this merited a response to Geraldine, but in a kinder, gentler form she’d better understand and not get offended, i.e. a musical, like “Fiddler on the Roof”. Obama could come out in a beard and hat and sing:

“If I were a white man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a free, white man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
In your campaign you biddy, diddy lost,
And Reagan diddle-didle-didle won”

His response would make about as much logical sense as Geraldine’s initial remarks, and she’d probably think it was hip-hop anyway, but it’s truly difficult to work up a righteous anger over a remark as inane as that. We don’t want her feelings to get hurt. Oh, this just in…she told ABC, “My concern has been over how I’ve been treated as well and hurt, absolutely hurt by how they have taken this thing and spun it to imply that in any way, any way I am racist,” she said. Whoop, there it is! She also said she has fought against discrimination for 40 years. Hmmmm…..sounds like Hillary’s resume writer. Maybe my history is faulty, but after losing to Reagan, I seem to recall two unsuccessful attempts at the Senate. Perhaps someone should remind Geraldine that she is actually not qualified to be giving advice in the first place. Advice should come from winners, not losers, innovators, not archaic technicians of failure. America needs new leadership…oops…sorry.

That’s HER line.

[Op-ed by MNP correspondant Jill The Shill]

The Killing Joke

Killing Joke

The hypocrisy of this campaign has hit a new low with a top Clinton aid comparing Obama to Ken Starr. A couple of weeks ago, it was the “Cult of Obama” and comparing him to Jim Jones. Does this campaign do anything but call people names?
The way I see it, the Obama/Starr comparison isn’t even GOOD mud-slinging. Obama is pushing for the Clintons to release their tax statements not prosecuting perjury. If Obama had brought up Monica Lewinsky, then a retort of this kind “might” be logical. As things stands, it just looks a little loony.

Below are the top five differences between Obama and Starr:

1) Starr released a huge report detailing in sordid detail an inappropriate relationship between a sitting President and an intern. Obama pushed for Clinton to release her tax returns.

2) Starr sought to pursue perjury charges against a sitting President who also said to a national audience, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Obama had the nerve to make a strong showing and threaten Hillary Clinton’s entitlement to the Democratic nomination.

3) Starr had to endure cheesy excuses form a sitting President who made such statements as, “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.” Obama made such cheesy statements like, “Yes, we can.” In Spanish.

4) Starr spent a lot of American tax-payer money on his failed impeachment attempt. Obama made a lot of money in February.

5) Obama holds up hope for the future. Ken Starr held up a blue dress covered in a sitting President’s protein.

The only similarity between Ken Starr and Obama is they were both victims of the vast Clinton spin-machine. The “Vast Right-wing Conspiracy” meets the “Cult of Obama”. I wonder what’s going to come out of that campaign next? Maybe that Obama has a black baby….?

[[Op-Ed post by MNP correspondent Jill the Shill]]

Too Late To Kill Bill?


After the symbolic hand-job following the mid-February debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton immediately took off the Playtex gloves and unleashed a barrage of penis-shriveling criticism ahead of the Texas and Ohio March 4th primaries. First denouncing an anti-Clinton flier by Obama’s organization regarding the Nafta trade treaty, Hillary paused only long enough to hear the Ghost of Ross Perot’s Failed Campaign warning her, “That sucking sound you hear is the sound of your campaign losing any appeal to the Independent voter”. While some still dispute the wisdom of Nafta, it’s not that easy to unhitch your “experience wagon” from one of the more unpopular legacies of the Bill Clinton White House. Throwing caution to the wind, Senator Clinton raised her fist and brought it down soundly on what she considers Obama’s most vulnerable area: his lack of experience.

Comparing his lack of foreign policy experience to that of George W Bush, she deftly avoided sounding hypocritical by NOT bringing up her husband’s “vast experience” when compared to former CIA Director and two term vice-President George H.W. Bush in his re-election bid. One would think she’d have learned from people’s reaction to her “change you can Xerox” comment, but apparently she rides to these rallies in the little bus with all the other “special needs” candidates, like Nader, who really just don’t get it.

“We’ve seen the tragic result of having a president who had neither the experience nor the wisdom to manage our foreign policy and safeguard our national security,” Mrs. Clinton said in a speech on foreign policy at George Washington University. Uh, yeah, we all watched you and all those other Democrats cower in the corner and give license to George Bush to have his way in Iraq. Just like a drunk throwing up on the sofa and trying to hide it under someone else’s hat, this ploy fools no one.

In an interview on Larry King Live in April of 2004, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said she is not sorry she voted for a resolution authorizing President Bush to take military action in Iraq. Hugely disappointing to antiwar liberals who were being bullied into silence by the increasingly vocal and overtly belligerent pro-war conservative base, Hillary Clinton voted in favor of the Iraq war resolution in October of 2002. In doing so, she followed a long Clinton tradition of courting then abandoning assorted supporters and their causes: gays, blacks, liberals and finally the antiwar movement.

“Obviously, I’ve thought about that a lot in the months since,” she said. “No, I don’t regret giving the president authority because at the time it was in the context of weapons of mass destruction, grave threats to the United States, and clearly, Saddam Hussein had been a real problem for the international community for more than a decade.” And there’s that foreign policy experience we hear so much about.

The attack that’s gotten the most attention in recent days has been a photograph of Mr. Obama in a ceremonial African garb, reputed to have been provided by a Clinton staffer. The source has not been absolutely verified, but it’s doubtful that Senator McCain, himself smeared by rumors of fathering a black child back in 2000, is responsible for something as sophomoric as that. This has all the earmarks of the Clinton campaign, which frankly as been following misstep with misstep for months now. From allowing Bill to even speak, to personal attacks on Obama supporters as naive, this candidacy has managed to insult and alienate pretty much everyone who’s not branded on the ass with a scarlet “C”. Once arrogantly portrayed as “America’s first black president,” Bill came off as more of a snotty, ill-tempered redneck just before the South Carolina caucus. Meanwhile, Senator Clinton cannot decide whether to portray the Damsel in Distress or Harpy from Hell.

Throughout most of these attacks, Obama has wisely decided to defend the issue but not fight fire with fire…which makes this yet another Clinton backfire. The “personal” nature of these attacks on experience and pragmatism are designed to solicit a reply in kind from the Obama campaign, reducing his charismatic appeal once he starts slinging insults. It’s a desperation tactic. Once dragged down into the mud, no one will remember who threw the first punch come convention time as the two-headed monster of Hill and Bill smothers any spark of optimism from the Obama campaign. As long as Obama can maintain his Zen-like composure, Hillary Clinton’s nasty alley-fight will not prevail. And come March 4th, Zen-master Obama might finally be able to reveal to Hillary the sound of one-hand clapping….by slapping her soundly across the head and completely out of the race. Yesterday’s gone, baby! Why don’t you join it?

[[Op-Ed post by special MNP correspondent Jill the Shill]]

Campaign Gains Fall Mainly On McCain

After only six months on the dusty campaign trail, the McCain’s candidacy began to resemble the Donner Party last summer. Practically broke and already cannibalizing itself, the team’s first casualty was the campaign manager and chief strategist. The next ingredient added to the road-kill stew was an official with the McCain presidential campaign arrested for allegedly soliciting oral sex from a policeman in Florida. All that was missing from this melodrama was the headline, “The McCain campaign has been sucking for a while now, but this is an entirely new level.”Bob Allen, a member of the Florida House of Representatives and one of six Florida co-chairs for the McCain’s 2008 White House bid was arrested after he allegedly offered to exchange $20 for oral sex with a plainclothes officer. “Cheap bastard,” the officer probably said off the record. On the other hand, McCain had to have been furious. “Here we are broke, and he’s out there just throwing money around?” Six months later, details have largely fallen off the radar, but a totally fictionized account of the encounter would go something like this:

Police told reporters Allen caught their attention after he drove through the town’s Veterans Memorial Park twice blaring “Lola” by the Kinks from his stereo. He then parked and went in and out of the park’s bathroom three times wearing an open cowboy shirt, leather chaps and little else. “That didn’t really strike us as suspicious,” said one officer. But, apparently Allen tried to disguise himself by wearing a John Edwards for President button. “Now that was a little strange,” said the officer who followed him in.Allen allegedly made his solicitation through the stall door, but details are vague regarding exactly how that “solicitation” was made. Allen maintains his innocence, but may have added as he was being arrested, “That wasn’t my final offer!”


Without some kind of miracle, it appeared that the McCain campaign was as doomed as a bug in a toilet. But McCain survived the political Tiger Cages and escaped to the forefront of the Republican nomination on Stupor Tuesday, driving Mitt Romney completely out of the race. Ironically, the biggest criticism of McCain is coming from conservatives in his own party who vent that McCain is not conservative enough. Really? Let’s compare and contrast. Allen’s arrest was only the latest in a number of scandals for presidential campaigns last year. Giuliani’s South Carolina co-chair was indicted for cocaine possession and the southern regional chairman for former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s presidential campaign, Louisiana Senator David Vitter, admitted to using a Washington, D.C.-area escort service. Vitter is a self-described defender of traditional conservative family values who rose to power during the Clinton Monica-gate scandal. “Family values” may explain Vitter’s affinity for diapers, by the way. He replaced Rep. Livingston who resigned as Speaker of the House due to an affair, and who was originally set to replace Newt Gingrich after scrutiny about HIS extramarital affairs. While it doesn’t exonerate Clinton’s behavior, it does suggest conservatives are just as horny as liberals.

So in the face of the evidence, one would conclude the McCain Campaign is just as “conservative” as his opponents. And unless accusations of dog-fighting arise, it looks like McCain will likely be the Republican candidate in November. McCain survives the tiger pits once again; now to see who survives the cage match between Hillary and Obama.   




Torture Is In The Eye of The Beholder


Torture is such an ugly word. We prefer to think of it as ‘confession enhancement’.

“Torture is in the eye of the beholder”, Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada would explain to Congress just before he ripped the eyes out of Senator John McCain and waved them around. “Anyone else see torture?” he would ask sarcastically to the silent room. While not that bad yet, McCain has been consistently outspoken regarding the policy of torture, having seen its inhumane ineffectiveness first-hand. The controversial technique called “waterboarding” was like a ball down throat of Judge Michael Mukasey during his confirmation hearings. Asked if waterboarding was illegal, he replied he needed to learn more about it to answer the question. Why someone didn’t immediately strap him to a board right there is puzzling. He could be asked afterwards, “So, what do you think now, Judge? And don’t let the fact that waterboarding has been persecuted as a war crime since the Spanish-American war cloud your judgment”.

This issue is perceived as a battle between the executive rights of the President versus the need to obey international law. Some find it repugnant that the President himself is advocating torture when he has never been at risk of such. McCain has the high ground here while the only real, practical experience President Bush can bring to the table is creating a new form of interrogation where cocaine is blown up the noses of suspects to “loosen them up” a bit.

Waterboarding is not the only interrogation technique under scrutiny as torture. Other “harsh techniques”, include head slapping and sleep deprivation. Seriously, if head slapping and sleep deprivation were “torture” then parents and college professors would be war criminals. One pro-torture argument is that the nebulous, nonspecific “they” do it, too. The problem with that argument is that only a fraction of all suspects rounded up are “the Droids you are looking for”. As for the rest, do “they torture, too” or are they simply just “tortured”? If a cable company were to put wires to the testicles of every male between the ages of 18 and 49 to determine who on the block was stealing cable, most of us would cancel our subscription. It would be futile. First, that makes you fit the profile even better and second, only after they’ve hooked you up to the power-lines of their love would they ever discover the truth. But, as long as General Manager Torquemada, destroys the tapes, no one will ever know…