Campaign Gains Fall Mainly On McCain

After only six months on the dusty campaign trail, the McCain’s candidacy began to resemble the Donner Party last summer. Practically broke and already cannibalizing itself, the team’s first casualty was the campaign manager and chief strategist. The next ingredient added to the road-kill stew was an official with the McCain presidential campaign arrested for allegedly soliciting oral sex from a policeman in Florida. All that was missing from this melodrama was the headline, “The McCain campaign has been sucking for a while now, but this is an entirely new level.”Bob Allen, a member of the Florida House of Representatives and one of six Florida co-chairs for the McCain’s 2008 White House bid was arrested after he allegedly offered to exchange $20 for oral sex with a plainclothes officer. “Cheap bastard,” the officer probably said off the record. On the other hand, McCain had to have been furious. “Here we are broke, and he’s out there just throwing money around?” Six months later, details have largely fallen off the radar, but a totally fictionized account of the encounter would go something like this:

Police told reporters Allen caught their attention after he drove through the town’s Veterans Memorial Park twice blaring “Lola” by the Kinks from his stereo. He then parked and went in and out of the park’s bathroom three times wearing an open cowboy shirt, leather chaps and little else. “That didn’t really strike us as suspicious,” said one officer. But, apparently Allen tried to disguise himself by wearing a John Edwards for President button. “Now that was a little strange,” said the officer who followed him in.Allen allegedly made his solicitation through the stall door, but details are vague regarding exactly how that “solicitation” was made. Allen maintains his innocence, but may have added as he was being arrested, “That wasn’t my final offer!”


Without some kind of miracle, it appeared that the McCain campaign was as doomed as a bug in a toilet. But McCain survived the political Tiger Cages and escaped to the forefront of the Republican nomination on Stupor Tuesday, driving Mitt Romney completely out of the race. Ironically, the biggest criticism of McCain is coming from conservatives in his own party who vent that McCain is not conservative enough. Really? Let’s compare and contrast. Allen’s arrest was only the latest in a number of scandals for presidential campaigns last year. Giuliani’s South Carolina co-chair was indicted for cocaine possession and the southern regional chairman for former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s presidential campaign, Louisiana Senator David Vitter, admitted to using a Washington, D.C.-area escort service. Vitter is a self-described defender of traditional conservative family values who rose to power during the Clinton Monica-gate scandal. “Family values” may explain Vitter’s affinity for diapers, by the way. He replaced Rep. Livingston who resigned as Speaker of the House due to an affair, and who was originally set to replace Newt Gingrich after scrutiny about HIS extramarital affairs. While it doesn’t exonerate Clinton’s behavior, it does suggest conservatives are just as horny as liberals.

So in the face of the evidence, one would conclude the McCain Campaign is just as “conservative” as his opponents. And unless accusations of dog-fighting arise, it looks like McCain will likely be the Republican candidate in November. McCain survives the tiger pits once again; now to see who survives the cage match between Hillary and Obama.   




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