The Realest Ninja Alive Act II: 3-Way Deathmatch

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Hello boys and girls, it’s that time of the month where the ninja gong is ringing, meaning, it’s time to see once again who is the REALEST NINJA ALIVE, SON! (although Foxy might win on pure grill alone.) This month we feature three very powerful females. Above you see them suited up for business, but watch what happens when… the gloves come off! The results will shock you. A myninjaplease special.

It’s a dark night on A defeated body of Bill O’Reilly lies festering in the moonlight. The bling of Cam’Ron is clearly visible in the obscurity, though the man himself is nowhere to be found. His bling sparkles in the moonlight. Yes. Just his bling.

Somewhere, maybe a mile, down the road in a clearing, three wayward souls, wandering, meandering, Ronin, are about to cross paths. Foxy Brown clutches her Gucci bag close, but don’t let it fool you. Within it she holds some of the deadliest weapons known to woman. Martha holds a polished frying pan, staring into the reflection. She’s dressed like Uma Thurman. Lil’ Kim… well… she has her titties out.

Lil Kim: It would be hard to make a case that she isn’t a ninja. Let’s review her track record, shall we? She first go her rep rolling with one of the most venerated shoguns (master, Notorius B.I.G.). She’s been everything from a business woman, to a drop-dead sloot, to an ex-con. I mean, that’s grown ninja-business if you ask me. Also tell me why she was in jail. IN JAIL, SON- where all the illest, hardest, rough-and-tumblest ninjas go. Ninjas usually go to jail of their own free will, not because they are forced to do so (jails can’t hold ninjas). I surmise this is what Kim is doing right now, biding her time, sharpening her skills, building an army. The titties are just a decoy, be careful! They’re full of throwing stars!

Martha Stewart: The best Ninjas are able to maintain full disguise up until the point of an attack. Martha Stewart may or may not be a ninja disguised as a white woman. Think about it for a second. Why was she baking all those cakes and whatnot? Why? Why, you ask? Martha Stewart is in the crack game!! Her empire was just a front to obtain baking soda in mass quantities. Kinda makes ya feel unsafe, huh? Me too. If you can’t trust Martha, who can ya trust?? Also… cakes? Think about it. I know you watched TV when you were just a wee ninja. Common sense tells me that she already had people on the inside. That whole imclone thing was just to get her in so she could polly with her peoples and gather her ch’i.

Foxy Brown: No dummies, not the original Fox Brown, Pam Grier. If she had been present at this battle nobody would question the true winner. (Pammy baby, holla at me, you still got it) but… She’s one of the few women in rap who can somewhat claim that she doesn’t owe her entire career to boastful male ninjas. She’s been in and out of court for different dumb shit and now she’s deaf. What? You didn’t hear me, son? I said DEAF. That’s right. Foxy is deaf, for some reason… making her almost the equivalent of the blind swordsman in ninjascroll. In fact, I heard Fox was coming out with her own movie… (House of Flying Naggaz, anyone?)

All of a sudden Kim attacks Martha with some sort of rotund pointing device. It’s gyrating. I know what that is, thinks Martha, ducking just in time. Foxy Brown sees the bling from a diamond at the tip of the… sword. She reaches up to grab it using the "brass hand" technique, but she is unable to hear the subtle vibrations before she makes her fatal mistake. Oh no! she thinks, before she is shaken to pieces. Kim looks around but Martha is nowhere to be found. All of a sudden she drops from a tree wielding none other than a tattoo gun. Kim’s too surprised, and unable to move before Martha has tattooed most of the word Martha across her left mammary, just missing nipple. Upon closer inspection Kim realizes that it actually says Bertha. Kim is overtaken by the pure hilarity of it all and subsequently falls to her death.

lilkim_05.jpgAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA p21211qcl6v-jpg-foxy-brown.jpg

Martha Stewart, ninja-at-large, vanishes into the night.

Martha UP!


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Posted: August 16th, 2006
at 3:57pm by black octagons

Categories: hood status,myninjaplease,celebrity

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